Finally, the last year of high school. I've been waiting for this for far too long, I hate it here, I hate everyone here. I have never fit in and I don't want to really. What would I want to fit in for? They worry about relationships that will end in a week and they argue about who said what as if it matters, you are a loser if you don't have a certain type of likes and a cool kid if you do, why would I bother with that?
I live in my world, me and my headphones. The only time they come off is when I'm in class and that's only because it's frowned upon to listen to music whilst in a lesson as if they could teach me anything that is actually going to help me in the real world. I feel like everything moves slowly around me, like I'm stuck in a slow motion film and no one can hear me, but I don't want to be heard. I want to be left alone.
The bell rings, first two hours of the day over but still too many to go. I collect my bag and pop my head phones back in making my way to the front gate. We're not supposed to leave school grounds during breaks but it's not like they do anything to stop us and I'm not allowed to smoke on school grounds either. To be honest I don't think they give a crap what we do in our free time as long as we go back to class after, if we start disappearing then the parents will complain and they'll be in trouble.
I made my way to my usual location just across the road. I came here everyday and hid from the rest of the world. Just across the road from the school, there was a small area of trees with an old broken bench underneath. That's where I spent my time, in the dark shade of the trees. I pulled a cigarette out the pack and lit it. The feeling was so satisfying, I could feel the smoke going through me, poisoning me. It was oddly calming, it calmed my constant anxiety. What was I anxious about? Life I suppose, I don't know... You'll have to ask my anxiety that one and let me know when it tells you.
Mid morning break usually gives me just about enough time to smoke a cigarette and disconnect from life for about five minutes, that supposing I was actually connected in the first place.
"What is there to be connected to?" I smiled to myself and took another drag of my cigarette before throwing it down and putting it out. Back to hell.
I wondered back down the dark halls to class. The dark halls made it so much more daunting, it felt like a prison. Everyone was already in class by the time I got there, so I crept in through the back door and hid at a desk as far away from the teacher as I could. I didn't want to take part in the class and I hoped that sitting this far away made it pretty clear to the teacher.
The darkness of the empty halls felt like a visual representation of life for me. A long dark hall, you wonder down in looking to each door until you reach the end, which would be death. I couldn't find much more to it, I didn't want to go in any doors and I didn't want the hall to be a long one. I was just wondering waiting for it to end.
When I got my home the house was empty, Mum must be at work and my sister must be out with her friends. Well, she calls them her friends but I've heard them talking crap about her and she usually ends up crying because of them. I mean, I'm not expert in what friends should be like but I'm pretty sure that's not it.
I went up to my room, locked the door and put my music on as loud as I could. This is my safe place, my room with my music drowning out my thoughts. I sat at my desk and carried on drawing the piece I'd started two days before. It was taking me a long time but for once, I actually liked my own work. Drawing calmed me, it helped me relax and just concentrate on that one thing instead of all the other meaningless crap I have running through my head.
I live in my world, me and my headphones. The only time they come off is when I'm in class and that's only because it's frowned upon to listen to music whilst in a lesson as if they could teach me anything that is actually going to help me in the real world. I feel like everything moves slowly around me, like I'm stuck in a slow motion film and no one can hear me, but I don't want to be heard. I want to be left alone.
The bell rings, first two hours of the day over but still too many to go. I collect my bag and pop my head phones back in making my way to the front gate. We're not supposed to leave school grounds during breaks but it's not like they do anything to stop us and I'm not allowed to smoke on school grounds either. To be honest I don't think they give a crap what we do in our free time as long as we go back to class after, if we start disappearing then the parents will complain and they'll be in trouble.
I made my way to my usual location just across the road. I came here everyday and hid from the rest of the world. Just across the road from the school, there was a small area of trees with an old broken bench underneath. That's where I spent my time, in the dark shade of the trees. I pulled a cigarette out the pack and lit it. The feeling was so satisfying, I could feel the smoke going through me, poisoning me. It was oddly calming, it calmed my constant anxiety. What was I anxious about? Life I suppose, I don't know... You'll have to ask my anxiety that one and let me know when it tells you.
Mid morning break usually gives me just about enough time to smoke a cigarette and disconnect from life for about five minutes, that supposing I was actually connected in the first place.
"What is there to be connected to?" I smiled to myself and took another drag of my cigarette before throwing it down and putting it out. Back to hell.
I wondered back down the dark halls to class. The dark halls made it so much more daunting, it felt like a prison. Everyone was already in class by the time I got there, so I crept in through the back door and hid at a desk as far away from the teacher as I could. I didn't want to take part in the class and I hoped that sitting this far away made it pretty clear to the teacher.
The darkness of the empty halls felt like a visual representation of life for me. A long dark hall, you wonder down in looking to each door until you reach the end, which would be death. I couldn't find much more to it, I didn't want to go in any doors and I didn't want the hall to be a long one. I was just wondering waiting for it to end.
When I got my home the house was empty, Mum must be at work and my sister must be out with her friends. Well, she calls them her friends but I've heard them talking crap about her and she usually ends up crying because of them. I mean, I'm not expert in what friends should be like but I'm pretty sure that's not it.
I went up to my room, locked the door and put my music on as loud as I could. This is my safe place, my room with my music drowning out my thoughts. I sat at my desk and carried on drawing the piece I'd started two days before. It was taking me a long time but for once, I actually liked my own work. Drawing calmed me, it helped me relax and just concentrate on that one thing instead of all the other meaningless crap I have running through my head.
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